By Theresa Tan
Correpondent
theresat@sph.com

 

PAIN - be it physical, mental or emotional - is an unwelcome visitor that does strange things to ordinary folks.
It drowns some in the depths of depression, while others rise above the misery to new heights that amaze even them.

A person’s temperament is one reason why some cope better with adversity; the support they get from loved ones and even medical and social service professionals is another factor. Religious faith also helps.

But having interviewed three dozen people and organisations for a special report on support groups, I feel yet another factor - the ability to use their experience to help others - separates those who swim and sink during a crisis.

In particular, I was struck by the experiences of three women robbed of their loved ones by sudden and traumatic deaths and who rose from the depths of despair to be a beacon of light for others.

Yin is a 49-year-old housewife who lost both her parents to suicide. Her mum killed herself when she was seven. About five years ago, her ailing, elderly dad jumped to his death. It sent her life into a tailspin. She could hardly function, assaulted daily by feelings of regret, guilt and grief.

The turning point came when she joined a support group run by the Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) for those who have lost loved ones to suicide.

The mother of three said: “The turning point in my road to healing came when I realised I could use this extremely painful experience to help and support others, that I could use this tragedy for something good.”

Encouraged by her counsellors, she wrote a book on her experience hoping it could help others going through the same trauma. She is also helping to facilitate the SOS support group now.

Likewise, insurance agent Joyce Lye, 59, rose above her grief to start a support group for widows.

In 1985, she was out for her nightly supper with her husband when their car crashed.

He died instantly and she was left in a coma for three days. She recovered to raise two young daughters alone.

Joyce managed to make ends meet after selling off her husband’s unprofitable carpentry business and finding work as an insurance agent.

But emotionally she was a wreck. She cried herself to sleep every night for 10 months after her husband died.

She church-hopped, hoping to find answers and support. In the end, she found God and other widows who needed support as much as she did.

“It takes a widow to know a widow. And by just sharing our struggles, we uplift one another,” said Joyce.

So she threw herself into starting a support group for widows and today, Wicare, has grown to full-fledged organisation offering counselling and other services to widows and their children.

Similarly, lawyer-turned-housewife Sonya Szpojmarowicz, 42, tapped into her own sorrow to start Child Bereavement Support (Singapore), which helps grieving parents.

The death of her eldest child Max, “took away all meaning” in her life. Max was a “gorgeous, fit and healthy” toddler who died suddenly in his sleep.

In the darkest days of her life, she found four other expatriates living in Singapore who had lost a child too.

Mrs Szpojmarowicz, who has four other children, said of her informal group: “It was the only place where we could be completely honest about how we felt. Other friends found it hard to stay with our pain; their lives go back to normal but ours don’t.”

So in 2004, she and her friends decided to start a support group to help other bereaved parents find their way out of the long dark tunnel of grief.

Perhaps the ability to help others, despite their own pain, gives meaning to these women’s suffering.

And meaning is crucial to life and living. As German philosopher Nietzsche puts it: “He who has a why for life can put with any how”.