By Bertha Henson
Associate Editor
bertha@sph.com.sg

 

TEST: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, is in want of a wife. Whether you agree or not, if you know the phrase, it means you're a Jane Austen fan. More specifically, a Pride and Prejudice fan.

I am a fan.

I have both BBC versions of the series and can still recall catching every weekly episode of the 1985 BBC version as a teenager. Yes, I also have the skinny Keira Knightley movie version as well. Why she was cast as Elizabeth Bennet I will never understand as no wonderbra or corset could plump up her assets to fit — or rather, fill — the role of the becoming belle.

Keira Knightly in the film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. PHOTO: Courtesy StarHub

I rather think the Jane Austen wave really took off with the 1995 BBC version starring Colin Firth,  who also took the Darcy role in Bridget Jones' Diary and its sequel. Firth is a dishy Darcy but I venture to say his predecessor — David Rintoul — was even dishier. He's shorter than Firth but when the wind tousles his hair... Okay, enough mooning.

Colin Firth in the 1995 BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. PHOTO: Supplied

Thing is, there are plenty of versions of P&P (exploring other possible storylines)  which I am almost embarrassed to say, I also collect.

Like Pemberley — which is the life of Mr and Mrs Darcy — by Emma Tennant. Unlike the very chaste courtship that is in the original P&P, there's more, hmm, intimate moments between them in this book. Imagine Mr Darcy bathing Elizabeth.

Also in my possession, Darcy's Passions by Regina Jeffers, an account of P&P from Mr Darcy's point of view. He comes across as an idiot who falls so deeply in love with Elizabeth that he interprets her every brush-off as a come-on.

Darcy's Passions by Regina Jeffers is published by Ulysses Press. PHOTO: Supplied

Of course, the rage right now is P&P and Zombies, by Ms Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith. As well as Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters by Ms Austen and Ben H. Winters.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen & Seth Grahame-Smith is published by Quirk Classics. PHOTO: Supplied

Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters by Jane Austen & Ben H Winters is published by Quirk Classics. PHOTO: Supplied

The zombies and sea monsters are thrown in, I suppose, to add spice to the staid Victorian atmosphere. So Darcy is a wonderful zombie slayer and so too are the Bennet sisters.

When zombies surrounded Netherfield during the ball — the one Darcy and Elizabeth danced their frosty dance — our hero and heroine produced their swords, hacking the zombies, but not to death, we are supposed to suppose.

Elizabeth: "Well I suppose we ought to take all their heads, lest they be born to darkness.''
Darcy: "I don't suppose that you would give me the honour of dispensing of this unhappy business alone. I should never forgive myself if your gown were soiled.''
Elizabeth: "The honour is all yours, Mr Darcy.''
(By the way, some pages are illustrated for those without imagination)

Frankly, I think S&S and Sea Monsters make for more entertaining reading than P&P and Zombies.

I am biased though, because S&S is my favourite Austen book. I admire greatly Elinor Dashwood who maintains a stiff upper lip even when she knows the love of her life is destined for some tramp/vamp of a woman.

That is, until somebody had the great idea to cast Hugh Grant as Elinor's paramour, Edward Ferrars. Austen's Edward is a principled man, if rather a dweeb. Grant elevates dweeb to a whole new level.

Anyway, back to Sea Monsters. They aren't just decorative ornaments like the zombies were in P&P. In fact, they are part of the story. Basically the father-less Dashwood family is thrown out of their beautiful home by their cousin and his calculating wife and have to fend for themselves in a shack near, well, the sea, of course. There are plenty of tentacled creatures to fight off. People die. An underwater city where glamorous people meet is destroyed when pesky swordfish peck the glass dome, flooding it. The living author even threw in a pirate named Dreadbeard.

While I am waiting for the rest of her books to be bastardised, here are some suggestions for book titles and story lines:

Persuasion and Aliens
Captain Frederick Wentworth is back from a trip to outer space, except that unbeknownst to him, he took home some alien passengers as well. They plague Ann Elliot, trying to persuade her that he's not worth pining over. But they get over their prejudice for Captain Wentworth, who had destroyed their planet, when he pens the most lovely letter in the history of mankind expressing his undying love for Ann. Wentworth and Ann live happily ever after with their adopted little green children.

Emma and Vampires
The clueless and pampered female is surrounded by bloodsuckers, unaware that Mr Knightley is the biggest blood sucker of them all. The vampires live in dungeons under his famed fruit garden and do all a good deed when they suck the life out of the silly Harriet and the vengeful and vicious Mr and Mrs Elton. With Harriet, who had designs on Mr Knightley, out of the way, Emma decides that Mr Knightley is THE one for her. Emma and Mr Knightley live happily ever after under the garden. Emma's dad moves in too.

Northanger Abbey and a Ghost
The abbey is haunted by the ghost of the late Mrs Tilney, the wife of the strange master of the house. Never mind what Ms Austen wrote, General Tilney DID kill his wife. House guest Catherine Morland was told to leave the abbey when she voices her suspicion. The scion, Henry Tilney, thought she had too vivid an imagination. But he had to admit that she was right when his mother appears to him. He gets on a horse and races to Catherine to ask for her forgiveness. Catherine and Henry lived happily ever after with the ghost of Mrs Tilney.

Mansfield Park and Werewolves
The young residents of Mansfield Park decide to stage a play with friends, not knowing that their friends are really werewolves. And of course, the moon is full on the day of the play. Fanny Price is almost mauled to death before her no-nonsense uncle, Sir Thomas Bertram, intervenes with a musket filled with silver pellets. He saw how Fanny shielded his son, Edmund, from the werewolves. He gives the bitten couple his blessings to marry.  Fanny and Edmund live happily ever after and howl whenever the moon is full.

Editor's note: The date for the creation of the BBC production of Pride and Prejudice has been corrected.