LIGHTWEIGHT chassis with a hybrid traction system for superior grip. Seven layers of carbon fibre. Curvature conforming textile and leather.
No, I'm not reading a Lamborghini brochure. Rather, this is how they advertise football boots these days.
Do I really care if dual density studs could make me stand on terra firma?
Will V-twin lacing system (what is that?) impress Singapore coach Raddy Avramovic enough to promote me from my Sunday kickabout team to the full international side?
And will a molded heel counter make me dribble like Messi, score like Torres and bend it like Posh Spouse?
Nah. I can head-butt like Zidane but that's another story altogether.
Every Sunday, I pack my black boots for a kickabout. They’re a timeless classic made of soft kangaroo leather and features 13 old-school round studs instead of the bladed types you see today.
In fact, my clogs have a design that dates back to 1979 and has been unchanged since. At 332 grams, they're a sumo wrestler compared to its modern-day equivalent of a supermodel on a water-and-lettuce diet.
I'm no great footballer myself but I cannot resist a smug grin whenever I see a weekend warrior slice the ball over an open goal wearing the latest word in football fashion.
They wear cleats that adorn Cristiano Ronaldo's pedicured feet which tip the scales at a mere 180 grams.
This year, Puma teamed up with Ferrari to produce a limited-edition masterpiece that weighs just 165 grams, slightly heavier than a typical mobile phone. Only 815 pieces were made.
Some have produced kits that allow the player to build an entire boot to his own specifications.
Some brands even pack their boots in a collector's chest that comes with a tin of polish called "leather food". To the uninitiated, it's another word for Kiwi shoe polish.
I can understand why the technology is important to guys like Lampard, Benzema or even the blokes in Romania's second division and the S-League.
Every little bit of advantage, be it extra swerve, weight savings or comfort could make the difference between the ball bulging the net or smacking the crossbar.
Of course, there is the "feel good" factor of wearing these multi-coloured creations that come in a kaleidoscope of hues.
If you're a pro, having top-of-the-line boots will help you look the part.
But having space-age lightweight footwear comes with a price. Nobody would have heard about the metatarsal, aka The Beckham Bone, 30 years ago.
The modern boot, light as it may be, has sacrificed protective padding as it went anorexic.
That led to an old-timer to scoff: "Back then, your leg was either broken or not broken."
But, as they say, to each his own.
I believe in my old-fashioned boots. And I'm still blissfully unaware of what a broken metatarsal feels like.
And whenever I see a designer-boot wearing kid mis-kick from two metres out, I can't help but think of the scoreline: Function 1 - Fashion 0.