I ONCE dated a guy who hit me.
Not in the full-on Chris-Brown-biting-Rihanna's-ears kind of way, but we'd argue and he'd get so worked up, he'd punch the wall and shove me around a little. (It'd usually be a one-off punch because he was inherently a decent guy who knew it was wrong to hit anyone.)
Rihanna post-abuse.
PHOTO: Reuters
Domestic/dating abuse has obviously blown up in the news since the R&B stars' violent episode last month came to light and Chris Brown was charged in court this week. Oprah Winfrey dedicated her show to the two of them and, while sending her love to the two, also said: "If a man hits you once, he will hit you again."
Happier times.
PHOTO: AP
Initially, the condemnation all over the Internet and media was against Chris Brown. A man raising his hand against the weaker sex is just something absolutely socially unacceptable.
But a second strain of judgement has surfaced, turning against Rihanna, saying: Yes, she might be a victim but she also probably provoked Chris Brown to violence.
Domestic abuse social workers would absolutely dismiss this secondary reaction, and I don't purport to know the natures of Chris Brown or Rihanna at all, but I can understand why some people would think the victim is not entirely blameless.
You see, my ex was Chris Brown's age, 19 (give or take) at the time. We were young, we had tempers and we had not the maturity to control those tempers. When he hit me those few times, I'll freely admit, I had a part to play in the outcome.
When I was younger, I was argumentative and it didn't help that I had a way with words - twisting words, to be precise. If he got frustrated and ended up hitting out at animate (me) or inanimate objects (mirrors), I honestly can't say it was entirely his fault.
Was this the case in Rihanna's situation? I don't know. Is it the case in all domestic abuse situations? Absolutely not. Some men just cannot control their violence and there is nothing to be done for it except for the woman to leave the monster to protect themselves and, God forbid, their children.
But what I do know, is that in my case, I contributed to his anger - which is why I forgave him time and time again (not that there were many times) and did not leave him. When we broke up in the end, it was for entirely different reasons.
As far as I know, he's now happily married, a father and doing well in his career. As for me, I think I've learned to bridle my tongue and be a more give-and-take kind of partner. (And I stress, give-and-take. Not give-and-give.)
So my humble advice to anyone out there facing mild cases of domestic/dating abuse is this: If you can help the situation by changing yourself, perhaps that's something to try if you truly love the guy.
Operative word: MILD.
If he's saying "I'm going to kill you", arm-locking you and biting your ears, no matter how much you look within yourself to try to improve your relationship, I really doubt your man is going to grow out of his temper tantrums.
Rihanna, leave the dude already.
Do you think Rihanna should leave Chris Brown? Do you even think it matters? Leave your comments here.
Update @ Monday March 16th: Read Joanne's response to the comments on this entry here: Getting the best reply of all.