A DECENT, loving couple I once met broke up a few years after they were married because the husband was battering his partner. When I was told about the divorce, I was surprised. My reaction then, was a typically naive one: "Why, he looked like a regular guy."
She probably thought the same until the regular punching and kicking started one year into their marriage. For three to four years, the woman would go to work with bruises which she used to try and hide with her dressing or make-up but she stuck with her marriage. Her main reason for persevering was the child they had. She did not want her son to grow up without a father.
There were other minor reasons. Even though she was a bright woman, with a good education, the thought of being a single mum scared her. Also, because the couple were distantly related, she did not want to have to deal with the stares and gossip from their relatives if they were to break up.
Finally, she could take it no more.
She secretly checked on how to go about filing for a divorce and one day walked out on him. Of course, the bully of a husband threatened her with more physical abuse and swore to challenge the divorce and fight the case to the end. She was terrified every step of the way from the time she walked out of the house to the end of the court proceedings. She feared how far he would go with his threats.
But she had come to a point where she could not take the violence any more. Also, it was getting more and more dangerous. Better for her child to have a single parent, than none at all, she probably thought. I might sound flippant but that was the situation – every time her husband lost his temper, she feared for her life.
It was painful to hear that she was putting up with this abuse for the sake of her son. She stayed on even though her parents, who knew what was happening, tried to talk her into leaving her husband.
Hearing about the beating sickened me, but what she had to put up with after her divorce was equally disturbing.
Her relatives criticised her for walking out on the marriage, for breaking up the family and for depriving her child of a father. Few sympathised with her. Some felt that she should have put up with him and his violent ways.
Something else that bothered me was the delayed alimony payment from her ex-husband and how she felt helpless in making her ex-husband make prompt payment. She was even too afraid to approach the authorities on this problem as she feared for her safety and that of her child's.
While it is good to hear that the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) is stepping up efforts to put a stop to this kind of violence, many help groups have tried one way or another to do this in the past but little have come out of their efforts. Women have been left to continue to suffer the abuse in silence.
For me, a lesson from this victim's case was that it is more than just men who need to be educated. Society at large needs to be taught about such violence and who really is the victim.
I would also like to see the authorities come down hard on alimony defaulters. This may not be a problem specific to spouse-batterers but too often I have heard women complain about former husbands who just fail to pay or never pay the full amount.
This female victim fought to keep her child and was granted custody. She is happy looking after her son though life is tough as a single parent. As for the batterer, he has started seeing someone else, from what I gather. Little does this woman know. I truly fear for her.
Should there be some checks in place to make sure that people with a history of spousal violence do not do it again? What do you think? I would like to hear your views.